On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
