The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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