Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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