the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
