In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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