im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
