I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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