He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize