What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize