I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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