3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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