Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
