you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
