No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
