Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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