Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I didn't notice because vodka
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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