I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
