mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
