i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
