the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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