Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize