I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
