I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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