They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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