You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
