I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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