I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
