Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
