In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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