I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we're making bets on your personal life
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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