So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Text me some of your sweat
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
