Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize