I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He better not be in your backpack
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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