it hurts more in the daytime
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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