I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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