On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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