honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
We need a shit load of segways right now
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
