my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
