I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
