I can tuck mytits in my pants
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
my vag is so smooth its legendary
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
