Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
