He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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