those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Randomize