Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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