my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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