Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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