i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize