we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
