Cold hands, warm shart.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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