you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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