hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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