When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
