he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
