he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize