My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
