none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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