I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize