i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
