Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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