I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
