I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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