i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
