your thong is hanging out like whoa
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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