worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
