All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize