Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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