I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize